The Edge ~ Mackenzie Nicole (lyrics)

I’m sitting in this dark room

Waiting for my life to develop

I’m holding onto thoughts in my mind

That I’m too afraid to tell you

I wish I didn’t try so hard to be perfect all the time

But my dad hated failures

But sometimes I need to walk to the edge

And just let it

Just let it take over, let myself feel it

Fall into the open, scream until they hear it

Let myself feel it

I just need to get too close to the edge

I fantasize about fading into the darkness

But I put a smile on every day regardless

And everyone expects so much from me

And I wonder what have I started

Sometimes I need to walk to the edge

And just let it

Just let it take over, let myself feel it

Fall into the open, scream until they hear it

Let myself feel it

I just need to get too close to the edge

I just wanna lie down all of my anger

Give myself goosebumps, put myself in danger

Let myself feel it

I just need to get too close to the edge

I’ve lost myself in laughter

I’ve had tears fall to the ground

I’ve lived inside disaster

But the one thing that I’ve found

Is I, I live so close to the edge

Inside, I live so close

Just let it take over, let myself feel it

Fall into the open, scream until they hear it

Let myself feel it

I just need to get too close to the edge

I just wanna lie down all of my anger

Give myself goosebumps, put myself in danger

Let myself feel it

I just need to get too close to the edge

~ Strange Music ~

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Tight rope walking

My life is a constant daily struggle, a balancing routine. I like to think of myself as a tight rope walker. Just imagine it in your mind. Starting out, she seems to glide or float along the high-wire. Flying, you may say. But it doesn’t take long before her balancing act becomes just that… an act or an illusion of stability.

She begins to falter and eventually her footing slips. But just in time, she reaches out and grasps ahold of the rope to stop herself from falling. She holds on for dear life with one hand and then two, struggling but never letting go. She uses all her strength to avoid a fall and fights with every inch of her being to hoist her body back on top of the high-wire.

Think of how long it takes her and how difficult it must be to rise up and regain some sort of balance again. And of course, she can’t always be expected to catch the rope or have it in her to stand again. Or it may be one of those times where she leans too far, too fast and she can do nothing other than let herself fall…

This is where I know I’m truly blessed. Unlike some, I always have my safety net. Every time I fall, I have my family there to catch me and even help me find my footing again. It’s definitely something I’ll never take for granted, and it might be the whole reason I’m so resilient when things get tough.

I mean, how many people are really gonna step onto a tight rope again after their body shatters from colliding with the solid ground? Some might, but it would take them a good long minute to heal before trying it again.

I honestly don’t even know if I’d still be alive today without the love and support of my family. They definitely don’t understand why I continue to walk the tight rope I do, but never would they say I should give it up or ever stop trying. They just continue to watch as I do my thing and wait patiently by just happy to be a part of whatever I become. It’s such a beautiful feeling to be blessed like this!

Chemical Lab Rat

Does anyone else feel like a lab rat being sustained on chemicals their whole life? This is how I feel. It’s like I’m in this ongoing experiment to find out who I become on each different psych med and then combining some to see what happens next. It’s like I’m not allowed to just be myself. I end up in a damn psych ward every time I stop taking the meds. Is it really me that has a problem or is it that society can’t handle who I really am?

Dictionary of the Crazy Mind

Sometimes there just aren’t words to describe how you feel or do a situation justice. I find myself in that predicament pretty often. Over the years, it’s gotten pretty difficult to surprise me. So when I start stumbling through my vocabulary looking the perfect word and come up with nothing, I just make them up.

Yes, I just throw out a word that no one’s ever heard before and see if anyone notices. It’s great fun for real. I encourage everyone to try it. The best part is when someone actually catches you and calls you out on it! It’s like, “Wow, they are listening to me!” In my experience, most people let it slide without question so you can just chuckle inside and take mental note of it.

Have fun with my little experiment and please tell me about it! We can create our own Dictionary of the Crazy Mind!

Dismiss the haters

Epiphany moment! Stop spending your time around people trying to tear you down. When you find the ones who build you up, you know you’re truly amongst friends.

About time I started following my own advice! I’ve been so concerned about helping everyone else that I never had time to focus on myself. Deep down I knew I was being stifled but it’s a whole lot easier to solve other people’s problems rather than work on your own.

Oncoming crash

Can anyone else feel as a bipolar crash approaches? I’ve been having that feeling for about a week now and I’ve tried everything I know to avoid it, even though I know I’m just prolonging the inevitable. I just wish there was something I could do to prevent the horrible debilitating depression and anxiety from taking days upon days from me. I’ve been taking my Olanzapine at night which has damn near killed my mania, but I like it when I’m manic. I’ve been prescribed all kinds of different anti-depressants, but no pill has ever been able to help me from crashing the way I do. I dread it’s onslaught like the plague. I hate the feeling of complete and total apathy towards life. It’s literally like I just don’t care about anything. That pretty much means I don’t care about myself either. I lay in bed and do nothing. That’s right, absolutely nothing. If I was able to sleep through these days, it wouldn’t bother me so bad. My problem is that I can’t turn my brain off and when I’m stuck in such a negative vibe, I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I try making gratitude lists every day but all that does is make me feel worse for allowing the depression to have such of a hold on me when I’ve been blessed in so many ways. I guess I just don’t understand why it’s so easy to get rid of the mania, and yet it’s damn near impossible to stop the depression. I’m even fighting my sleep right now because I’m afraid of waking up tomorrow with the dark cloud looming over me. I hate the darkness. I always try to leave a light on but the shadow never leaves.